Unavailable Partners ~ Why we choose them & what’s the solution

“All relationships are a reflection of our relationship to ourself.” ~ Deepak Chopra

We all have been in relationships or are in relationships or are looking for a relationship. The partners we choose to fall in love with and to spend our lives with directly affect our state of happiness for the long haul.

Our life is then entwined and blended with this partner. Be it building a life, a home, a family etc. Its all part of the growth that happens with this partner by our side.

But what happens when who we choose for ourselves, doesn’t exactly make us feel loved Or makes our life difficult and painful. What if they are not who we thought?

One question I get asked a lot in therapy sessions is, “But why did I then choose such a partner who was not going to be a source of happiness for me? And why did he/she choose me?”

From the get go, please know that relationships are complicated and simple all at the same time. Complicated when they don’t work easily and Simple when they do. The LOVE is what keeps most people together even if the partnership is complicated.

As evolving souls, who are trying to attain spiritual growth, we choose to practice radical authenticity and honesty with ourselves about our relational patterns and needs. In that realm of honesty, unavailable partners are no longer attractive or a viable option. But, even though they are not an option, we still tend to choose them. Why?

Here is why We Choose Unavailable Partners:

We choose unavailable partners because we associate love with the need to prove ourselves, to care take, to ignore or deny red flags even when they are glaring in our face…it is also because the roles we adapted to in childhood continue into adulthood when we have experienced attachment trauma from our parents.

We choose unavailable partners because we are using our relationships as an escape from looking at our true selves. When we seek relationships to fill a void or out of inner emptiness, we are less likely to connect from a place of mutual respect or shared values.

We choose unavailable partners because they reinforce our own beliefs about ourselves and about love. Core beliefs like “I am unlovable” or “Love brings unhappiness” or “A deep relationship brings abandonment”… are subcosciously there and are replayed with partners who don’t meet your emotional needs.

We choose unavailable partners because our own fear of losing ourselves in the relationship or fear of intimacy deeply impacts how we choose a partner. Sometimes, the safer option is to choose someone who is just like you, which simply means who also harbors the same fears as you. Which boils down to, them not challenging you enough or exciting you enough.

We choose unavailable partners because we grew up with emotionally distant or abandoning parents/caretakers. On a subconscious level it feels comforting to be drawn to familiarity or similar qualities as our early attachment figures.

Now that we somewhat understand why we do it, ever wondered about the flip side?

Why do those unavailable partners pick us? Why are they choosing emotionally available partners?

It is because at our core we aren’t really fully emotionally available! Usually part of why we’re drawn to unavailable people is because we have a subconscious fear of intimacy as well. It’s much safer to chase after someone who is never going to really be available for true vulnerability and intimacy. The excuse then stands that “he or she is emotionally unavailable” but in truth, it is you who is not able to offer the same level of emotional availability as you expect from the other.

Love begets love. If you come from an authentic, loving and emotionally open space, that will be reflected back to you in your relationships.

On the surface we do feel like we are emotionally available, but dig deeper, are we really?

How can we fix this if we do this? Noone wants to get into another relationship and end up doing this. Its like a recipe for unhappiness. And If we are already in relationships how can we fix those too?

We tend to attract or be attracted to emotionally unavailable people + our learned behaviors of codependency, Adult Child characteristics, people-pleasing and chilhood attachment issues… it all perpetuates a psychological pattern.

Recognizing this pattern is the very first step towards overcoming it and it is just the beginning. You got to closely observe your behavior patterns. Start to re-examine your values, your beliefs, listen to your gut (it never lies), practice self-love… Just some of the many ways to overcome and restore.

Every relationship is a Mirror and our Greatest Spiritual Assignment

To best understand how everyone is your mirror, think in terms of these three categories: your beliefs, your qualities, and your actions.

Everyone we encounter is a reflection of ourself, and the traits we see clearly in others are the ones that are very strong in ourself. This is known as the mirror of relationships and it is a powerfully healing tool for emotional freedom.

The universe will usually perfectly align us with those who mirror back to us the areas in which we need to heal or they will mirror back to us the space of self-love that we’ve created. This is why all our relationships are our greatest spiritual assignments. They truly magnify whatever it is that’s going on within us, which we are refusing to acknowledge.

These relationships are also a perfect mirror of your inner relationship with yourself and the beliefs you have acquired about life, death and love.

All that you admire in another person you have too, and the same goes for all that which you do not like. For you to recognise a certain quality in another soul it has to be part of your consciousness. You would not be able to see it otherwise.

The Positive and Healing Way to Look at Difficult relationships

A positive way to look at our difficult relationships is to look at them as opportunities to grow. As an opportunity to refine our soul and our own being. Relationships in those terms are like blessings.

For example if have you ever realised how something your partner does drives you up the wall, it is probably the same thing someone has pointed out to you about yourself in the past, but you were not ready to hear or even work on. It could be something small like saying ‘thank you’. Instead of being upset with your partner, remember it took you so long to notice your own flaw(s), even after them being pointed out to you.
Think: What way would have been the best way to receive news of your imperfection?
While your partners traits may drive you up the wall, don’t allow small imperfections to cost you the one thing that matters, your relationship. We are all imperfect and beautiful in our own wonderful ways.

A Healing Invitation

As a personal suggestion and healing invitation, I urge you to use your mirror this week to shift your attention to what’s happening on the outside and deepen your attention and awareness on your inner life. Remember, what is on your mind will also govern your waking moments, time and relationship. Don’t get caught up in the problems that will happen or you will miss the blessing you have.

In conclusion:

If you and your partner, inspite of all the battles and flaws and pain are still committed to making the relationship work, it WILL work! Like with creating anything beautiful, it takes time, patience, creativity and persistence.

While the above advice is true for most, please understand that each human being is unique and so is each relationship. For specific help and healing for your relationship issues, you can contact me.

👉💭Now, what are your thoughts on this topic? How have you dealt with emotionally unavailable partners in your life? Share your thoughts in the comments. I’d love to hear from you!💗

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10 thoughts on “Unavailable Partners ~ Why we choose them & what’s the solution

  1. I honestly believe that everyone comes into our life for a reason, whether it’s a fleeting acquaintance, an unexpected lover or a mismatched partner, there are lessons in every relationship. Thanks for a thought provoking post.

  2. I can look back now at certain ‘relationships’ and see the ones that I tried to hold on to, make excuses for etc, knowing full well I deserved more and that they were not the best fit for me. I definitely knew I had to work on myself and now I am with my partner and have been for over 2 years and been so happy! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

    Lauren – bournemouthgirl x

    1. Lauren, I think we all have had “those” relationships in the past. I’m so happy that youre in ahealthy nurturing relationship now. Yay to healing and becoming whole ❤ Thank you for your lovely comment here. Happy to connect! 🙂

  3. This article is so helpful and true. I used to choose unavailable partners for exactly the reasons you state here. I love this quote:

    “We choose unavailable partners because we associate love with the need to prove ourselves, to care take, to ignore or deny red flags even when they are glaring in our face…it is also because the roles we adapted to in childhood continue into adulthood when we have experienced attachment trauma from our parents.”

    1. Glad this article resonated with you Debbie. Sigh, I can’t say I havent been on the same boat, where I chose unavailable partners for one or many of those reasons. Its all part of life’s learning curve. Thank you for your comment here ❤

  4. Great topic, Zeenat. It certainly applies to me. I resonate with many of the reasons you’ve listed for choosing unavailable partners. I am in a place in my life now where I am no longer looking for a partner. I am happy on my own.

  5. Elle Sommer

    So true Zeenat – I have been there in my past. Until there came that point in time when I said….”WHAT” – I don’t think so. It wasn’t an easy habit to break, making that choice for things to be different, and at the time I didn’t understand what you explained so clearly here, I just knew something or someone needed to change and that someone needed to be me since I was the common denominator. Great article.

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