“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
Almost always when a relationship ends, one person tends to shed it faster, while the other wades through the pain and grief of parting.
Your response to this parting depends on your personality type and state of dependence on your partner. It can also be impacted by the manner in which the parting happened. Did one unexpectedly walk out of the relationship while the other was unprepared? Or, was it a slow and helpless falling out of love on both sides? Did one cheat or hurt the other in any way? Was there respect in the relationship?
If the break up is for the right reasons it helps. If two partners decide to break off to move on to more positive and fulfilling stuff, the parting is likely to be amicable. However, if one partner walks out seeking to hurt or punish the other, the parting and subsequent interaction is bound to be acrimonious and painful for both.
In order to have a peaceful after, it’s important to weed out the negativity along with the relationship.
For the sake of the relationship and earlier shared love, it is an absolutely necessity on the break-up pair to ensure the impact on the other is minimal. Some people find it helps to have a Transition Relationship around the time of a break up. Almost always in a break up, one person has found someone else to love, while the other is dwelling under disbelief and grief.
Whoever is hurt the most may attract such a temporary relationship. It is commonly looked upon as a “relationship on the rebound.” However, I prefer to look upon a transition affair as a helpful hand Destiny extends to get us through a difficult period. And since such help is needed for just a while, these relationships, by their very nature, are short lasting.
In the midst of the grief the most critical thing to remember is that time heals all.
A time will come when the tears dry up, the heartache stops and what remains is a regret for what could have been. Unless of course you have reason not to let go that last link with the relationship.
You will move on and stops grieving, no matter how sharp and unnerving the parting. Knowing this as a reality in the middle of your tragedy helps. And what helps more than anything else is if both partners accord each other due respect and make an effort to help make the parting easier.
You cannot predict or dictate how a relationship ends.
But you can certainly choose to let go of it with dignity. For this, it is important to first accept that the relationship has actually ended. The support of friends and family is something that should be actively sought to help tide over the worst of the crisis.
When a relationship is on the breaking point, tempers can be mercurial; try and avoid getting into fights, and make some allowances for the other partner’s irrational words and actions; it will help you retain your sanity.
Although you might have moved into a new relationship, try not to flaunt it in front of your ex or mutual friends; it can hurt like nothing else. Try and give your relationship a closure. It is important to talk as well as to listen, to discuss and together try to understand rationally and without emotion what went wrong. Also, inject a positive note by thinking of all the things you can do once you are free. Plan your days in a manner that doesn’t allow you time for brooding.
Staying away from reminders of happy times spent with your ex is a good idea, at least for a while. Those memories will bring a smile later, currently they will only make you miserable. Do not try to remain friends at least not at this stage it’s unnatural when you are hurting and can perhaps come later.
When handled carefully on both sides, a break-up though still painful, can at least cease to be a lifelong trauma. And perhaps when you look back in the autumn of life, it can just be a sweet sorrow. .
Have you positively handled your past breakups? Do you have anymore tips to handle a break up positively? Please share in the comments.
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Thank you for this, Zeenat, this is precious advice and timely for me, I admit it 🙂
Oh Dragos, really…I am glad this advice will help….but not glad why…Everything heals in its natural course of time.
Much Love~
Hi Z –
My exhusband was a serial cheater – at least two affairs that I knew of, the last one being the one that convinced me to file for divorce. The end of my marriage was painful – I married him when I was 19 and divorced him when I was 39. Up to that point, my entire life revolved around him and our two children.
For a while, I was the Crazy Ex-Wife. Then the gray clouds lifted and I walked a path of healing. It still took time for me to lose the grudge I carried and find a place where I could look back and only see the love that once was there.
And when I finally figured it all out and came to a place of deep understanding of myself and forgiveness was I able to move forward in a positive, healthy way.
Sure enough, the love of my life found me. The Universed unfolded exactly as she should when I was ready. I’ve been happily ever after since April 3, 2006 🙂
Hey Peggy,
Your happily ever after was just waiting for you to be the person you were meant to be from those past experiences. Now your happily ever after is YOURS! YAY You!
Now all i see is a happy, positive and oh so loving Peggy 🙂 And thats exactly what youre meant to be !
Break ups have taught both of us a lot hmm..;)
People come and go….relationships happen and break too, for no reason…freindships happen and vanish for no fault of either party….
I have always felt a deep hurt whenever a person, a friend has just disappeared for no reason…or no fault of mine…
Then i console my self saying,that the person came to my life for a reason…and now the reason is finished…and he/she is gone…
So i go on with life…Yes/….time is indeed a healer…and with every new friendship/relationship…I learn…
Certainly …there is positivity in every breakup..we get to learn…to improve…to get better..:)
HI Nanda,
I agree with your thoughts here….Youre right! Each person that comes into our life comes to teach us something new about life and our self. If we do indeed learn from this, our future relationships get better.
Thank you fro sharing your beautiful thoughts here. Appreciate it 🙂
Never ever get into another relationship immediately after a break up. Chances are high it’s a re-bound. Time after break up should be for you only. To heal, nourish, learn and find yourself again. Only when you learn to be happy by yourself should you look for a partner again.
Hi Avani,
I am so with you on this …but somehow irrespective of all advice..people still fall into a “rebound” sort of relationship! But Destiny does have a way of smoothing the edges and people do learn …..the only problem is…the learning usually comes after another heart break up.
Finding yourself is key to happiness….yours and your future partners!
Ditto! I’m in complete agreement! Take the time to heal and find yourself before jumping into another relationship.
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Hi Z,
What an important topic – I’m so glad you wrote a post about it. May I add another point – which is to use the breakup as an opportunity to learn something about yourself. In situations like this, I find it really useful to look at what happened and what I did that contributed to the problems.
HI Gail,
Youre bang on target with this! Like Avani said…I also do agree that a break up usually gives us an opportunity to learn so much….we just need to look at the lessons and leave all the negative stuff behind…Correcting our mistakes and moving on..
Thank you fro your beautiful comment 🙂
Hey Zeenat,
“Do not try to remain friends at least not at this stage it’s unnatural when you are hurting and can perhaps come later.” I do actually agree with this as it’s a very important time to remove that dependence you’ve built on each other. I am friends with all of my ex’s (I sound like a slut saying that! :-P) but it took time to build that friendship up again. One of my ex’s is now my best friends and I can’t even begin to tell you how special that friendship is now.
I’m very fortunate, from any of my longer term break ups i’ve bounced back relatively quickly. Usually in a month or so and I’m ready to take on the world again. You’re right, there is nothing else but time.
It’s easy to succumb to thoughts like ‘I’ll never meet anyone’ or ‘i’ll never get married’ but the best thing you can do is surround yourself with positive single people because they will help you get back on track again. I’m going speed dating next month with a friend I met recently and we both share the same idea of being single in that it’s about having fun while there and enjoying the best part which is the flirting! (YAY)
Hey Amit,
I laughed so hard reading this…and i read it nearly five times…;)
Slut eh….;)
Being friends with your ex comes in time…but till then….understanding and learning is the best that can be done with the experience of shared love.
You know…being you…i bet when you fall in love the happily ever after kind…you’ll be the best partner ever!
Much Love..
Awwww I blushed reading that! Thank you! 😉 x
Dear Z, What a well written post. Very important as well. You have covered so much here honestly and yet with love. I thought of another situation that can occur and that is when two people split it may seem like one moves on quickly and without much pain or even a backward glance, but I learned something from one relationship I had (and was later told this by the man I’d been with). I went away devastated and yet (to me) he seemed to just walk away as if it were the easiest thing in the world. But much later he told me that the loss of me in his life was so painful that he couldn’t even look at it for some time; the pain was just too much. So although it may appear that the break up isn’t affecting the other person, in some cases they are just in deep denial and can’t yet face the loss, myabe never.
Writing about this topic, I feel, is one of your strengths. This is a REALLY powerful post. You ought to consider breaking it up and doing a series. And THEN using the series as an outline for a book. I’m serious. Please think about this. This is a hot topic and you write about it in an amazing way, which makes it very potent. Your writing is ALWAYS magical, compassionate, wise and honest, but something REALLY comes out of you in this topic. An added POWER and vitality that I found compelling. Thank you dear love. You are just a treasure in my life. You really are. I am loving you and thank you for your choice to be who you are. SO SO Beautiful. Love, Robin
Oh Robin,
You made me cry….your love and compassion just get to me everytime…
Youre right…that we might think the other person isnt hurting but could actually be in denial. Thats an important thing for the other partner to take into consideration. Makes moving on a bit easier knowing the other person feels your pain too.
As for the book idea. I love it. Thank you for the positive nudge. I have been working on a free ebook for the blog with will be out in a month hopefully.Will work on a draft of this post for another book…youve certainly inspired me my soul sister.
Love you for your always loving ways….
Thank you fro coming here and helping me in so many ways..
Much love always…
Hi Z,
My take on this is Time, it is a good healer.. And generally works well with the right kind of support… 🙂
Hi Fatima,
Your take on this is perfect! Time can work wonders….and support from family and friends is imperative. 🙂
Zeenat — I appreciated this post very much. I thought you did an excellent job of presenting this from both sides of a broken relationship.
I left my husband and not because he did anything wrong or was a horrible person. To the contrary, he was, and is a very good man. It’s just that we changed and grew apart. I realized this first and so, I initiated the separation. It wasn’t easy. I really felt like the “bad guy.”
We’re now divorced and are friends. Both of us have found new partners and I think we’re both happier in our lives.
So, I agree with everything you said about handling a breakup, the only thing I would add is this: When you are the one who is breaking up with someone, watch out for the guilt gremlins. If you believe this is the right thing for you to do, then stay true to yourself.
Breakups are hard both ways, especially if you care for the person you’re leaving.
Thanks, Zeenat, for talking about this difficult subject!
HI Sara,
We all know about our break ups isnt it…heart breaking yet a learning experience.
I am glad you agreed with what i wrote here…and am so happy you and your ex are now friends. I do understand how hard it mustve been to get to this stage.
And youre right its harder is you care about the person deeply.
Parting is never a lovely experience…but it can certainly be a learning experience to say the least.
Thank you for sharing so openly here. I appreciate it so so much.
Much love..
Hi Z,
Yes I don’t think a separation is ever easy, whatever way it happens.
I think that when we can let go of the ego, it is a lot easier to see why both parties can eventually benefit. It is the controversial ego way that is doing all the hurt.
One can forgive when one can access love, one fight when the ego is heavely involved, at least that is my experience.
Once I could let go off the ego, love shone through and the hurt got its place.
Z, I agree with Robin, the compassion from experience rings through and there is a lot more to write. I want an autographed copy 🙂
Much love, Wilma xox
Hi Wilma,
I so agree with you….our ego is our worst enemy. It can blow things out of proportion…and make healing or forgiving very difficult. Put our egos aside and we have purity…and that purity will certainly lead to healing…
My God you and Robin are too much..me blushing now…;)
Much love to you too…
Some good advice here Zeenat. Time does heal all and is a great reminder when in the midst of turmoil.
Hi Jen,
Glad you liked this post 🙂
Time is a miraculous healer indeed….its reassuring to know that one day it wont hurt so much…
Boy this is a tricky topic! In the past, I couldn’t have given as heartfelt advice as I might even attempt to now. I’ve been in more than my share of relationships where bruised egos got the best of both sides. It wasn’t pretty!
What you said about time healing all, though — that is something I learned (finally). Even the worst betrayals can be forgiven and forgotten if given enough time and an open heart.
One thing I did learn in the relationship I’m in now is that respect is so important. I respect the man I’m with more than I’ve ever respected anyone: he’s honest, upstanding, imperfect (aren’t we all) – but doesn’t profess to be anything but what he is -, and he’s infinitely supportive of everyone in his life in selfless ways. I respect him so much that the thought of ever hurting him, regardless of where he thinks he needs to be (with or without me), pains me greatly. So I just couldn’t!
In my past relationships, I now know that the moment respect left the relationship, I should have, too. But hindsight, as they say, is 20/20.
Thank you for this touching article, which I’m sure will help so many people, Zeenat!
My Joyful Angel,
I am so happy to read how youre so in love and happy. Makes me happy 🙂
Its true when we love someone if they hurt we hurt…and for us to be the catalyst or carrier of that hurt sometimes is very very difficult…especially when you realize you need to part ways….Time is such a wonderful healer…..
I loved your comment so so much Megan..i literally had tears reading it..thats why it took me longer than usual to respond to it.
Much love to you…May happiness and love be with you forever and ever…:)
Zeenat, You have given a correct guidance in a correct time.thanks for the chance to see your post.Managing the mind is the difficult thing in the life…I struggled for many time as the conditions…but we have to cross everything..like your advice.thanks again.
Hi,
Definitely time should heal all of our sufferings. There is nothing equal to the time.We have a lot of friendships, lot of relationships and a lot of breakups. But from every breakups we found our strengths, weakness and we found a lesson that how we should overcome these faults.There is no other medicine in this world like the Time.
Hi Web Design Services/Company,
Glad you liked this post and found it useful 🙂
Time heals all wounds….
Thank you for sharing your wonderful thoughts here.
I just discovered your blog today, but I’ve already subscribed, as I’ve found a ton of interesting articles.
That being said, breakups are certainly tough, and in my case, the last girl I dated was a serial liar and (so I think) cheater. It’s tough at first, BUT, after some time you realize how much better your life is without that person. Why would you want to be attached to a person who doesn’t respect you enough to be honest with you? I certainly had my share of rough times after that, but I’ve come to look at the glass half-full and not half-empty. It’s not the end of the world, but rather a new opportunity to meet new people and see where life’s next adventure lands you!
Hi Travis,
You have an awesome way of looking at things 🙂
Youre right about the next adventure….each experience in life comes to teach us something new about life and about ourself. Being open to these lessons can certainly make life more interesting and more enriching 🙂
Thank you for your beautiful comment here. Am so sorry it took me so long to reply to this….:)
Much Love~
Thank you Zeenat for sharing this. I have certainly had my own bad experiences with relationships…breakups that have brought me into severe states of depression and loneliness. That is actually the main reason I got into personal development and spirituality. Since then I have had a much easier time letting go.
Great post!
Hey Steven,
The classic “Letting go” can work wonders na….
I’m all for letting go of our past to have better future. But in letting go we dont have to let go of the things we learned through those experiences..or it will just be time wasted…
I am so glad youre on the positive side now 🙂
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here.
Much Love~
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Hi Zeenat,
This is a post that everybody will relate to because it’s something that all of us have faced or will face at some point in our life. Every sentence that you have written is so true about the kind of break ups and the person’s reaction to it. I have seen so many of my friends going into a rebound and finally breaking up with that person after realizing that it was just a means of getting back at their ex and proving to them that they can live happily without them and also a means of keeping themselves occupied during the very painful post breakup phase. What is sad is that the person who gets into the rebound relationship has no clue about the emotional status of the person they are with and ultimately its a sad ending for both parties. I always pity the one’s in a rebound relationship. I would suggest that no one gets into a rebound relationship after a breakup and take it easy for a couple of months until they are ready to move on.
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