I Cannot Detach Myself

“All humanity is one undivided and indivisible family, and each one of us is responsible for the misdeeds of all the others. I cannot detach myself from the wickedest soul.” ~Gandhi~

Life up untill now has had its ups and downs. Infact everyday has its ups and downs. When I was a teenager I dealt with the downs in a not-so-pretty way. There would be tantrums and blame games. ‘He did it’ or ‘she did it’ or its ‘because of him’ or its ‘because of her’….somehow it was always about me, but never because of me. Ironical, I know…I just realized that.

Growing up, noone ever told me that I could do something to change the downs into Ups. Noone gave me that option. I had to figure it out all by myself..and sometimes not so happily. Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual right!
In this not-so-happy condition, there were times I was violated physically and emotionally, taken advantage of, bullied, treated like crap…..and all this while I kept blaming ‘him’ or ‘her’ or ‘them’.

Do you think ‘they’ were to blame for all that I went through???
Do you think ‘their actions’ were to blame for all I went through???

This has been the dilemma for me for far too long and I truly need to put it to rest now. For this I NEED Your help. I need you to tell me what you think.

Here is my logic/thought process:
I went into learning psychology, healing, understanding the human mind, heart and soul….cause I was looking for answers to many many questions but mostly, cause I wanted to help people like me(the victims) heal. In the process, I became more spiritually inclined and received answers very simply.
I learned that Detachment was the best way to live a truly spiritually fulfilling life. I do agree. Detachment from all things material is the best way to truly tap that spiritual you. But, detachment from all things ‘living’ isnt the way for me just as yet.
Example- Many years back, after a very traumatic phase of my life, I was asked “Do you hate him for doing this to you?”…To which I instantly replied “no”…again I was asked “but how can that be? Even after what he did to you..??”…I still said “no”. It didn’t phase me. It wasnt that what I went through was anything small, or even forgivable to some…but it was more like I DIDNT Blame him. Why you may ask…
My reason, is that I didnt blame him, more his actions. I didnt blame him, more his conditioning.

“Love the sinner and hate the sin.”~ Gandhi~
All crimes, acts of violence, torture, abuse happen not because its any fault of the victim or the perpetrator (the one committing it). Its the fault of his/her thoughts and conditioning, some past event that triggered this negative spiral. Hence I can’t feel hate or malice or anything negative for the perpetrator, cause its really not his/her fault. I have come to understand that Love is a mighty healer. I feel that if I can feel for that person, from a place of Love then maybe he/she stands a fighting chance to change back to their true beautiful self. No soul is born evil or wicked. Its the circumstances that each soul goes through that conditions them to React in a certain way. How then can I feel hate for the perpetrator?

Today I want to heal not just the victim, but also the perpetrator. I feel love is the answer and hence I really cannot detatch myself….detatch myself from the souls who truly need a helping hand.
I wonder sometimes, what turn history might’ve taken if Hitler was treated and helped with love? What if every perpetrator was treated and helped with loving care, before he ever felt the need to react and lash out? Why do we instantly look at a bully or perpetrator or criminal and think of him/her as a lost cause? Like I said, noone is born bad.
Yes, I went through a lot as the victim..I did…as do many others. But, again I ask, is it the act or the person we should blame?

Even today when I discuss this issue with close friends or colleagues, they fail to understand my logic. I think its easier to think of someone as a lost cause, and far more difficult to work on them from a place of love.

What do YOU think? If you are a reader of this blog and have never ever commented, this is your chance to tell me what you think. I DO really need your thoughts on this dilemma. Am I wrong to think the way I think? Am I just being unrealistic, as some have told me? Do YOU think LOVE can be the answer-to truly stop and reduce “the victims” and “the perpetrators”? Should I really work on Detaching myself from this way of thinking…?? Speak Up in the comments of this article. I want to know what YOU think.

Special Note-Its taken a lot of courage and nerves on my end to publish this article. Please forgive me if I have hurt anyones sentiments. That is Not my intention at all.

With Immense Love & Gratitude,
Counseling Psychologist/Spiritual Counselor
Motivational Speaker/Naturopath

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26 thoughts on “I Cannot Detach Myself

  1. Love is the only force strong enough to convert and transform the evil of misguided actions into a good result. There is evil in the world, and in each of us. It is real. Only love allows us to forgive, and to be forgiven so we can begin again. Every one of us is to blame. We all destroy the future when we act from our weakness, fear and ignorance. But when we love, we accept, we allow, we understand, we give space in which to grow, and all can become family – even Hitler and Satan. No one is excluded from the unity of love, except by their own actions and choices. I know you know this. It is the source of your strength.

    1. HI Mikey,
      Evil does exist, but its comes alive only if we give it air. Love diffuses it.
      You are so right about all becoming family irrespective of who they are…ultimately they too are creations of the same Maker.
      I know, but sometimes I’m forced to think twice….to question myself. Society has a way of pushing their superficial beliefs on the best of us sometimes.
      Thank you for your support…your words ring close to my heart.

  2. Hi Zeenat, I am also struggling to ‘unblame’ and ‘un-hate’ someone who I once loved, and who violated me and my life with his madness and narcississm. AlthoughI know that I will never be able to feel love for him I feel that I can now look back at what I loved in him and I can forgive him more from sadness for him or pity rather than hatred. Does this sadness and pity come from a more loving place in me than the hatred I felt…I think that it does but I stand to be corrected on that.While I can see that his actions probably hurt him even more deeply than they hurt me I am certain that I will never again be able to feel love for this person. I really do understand where you are coming from when you explain the following Zeenat: “All crimes, acts of violence, torture, abuse happen not because its any fault of the victim or the perpetrator (the one committing it).Its the fault of his/her thoughts and conditioning, some past event that triggered this negative spiral.”
    And while I agree with you that nobody is born bad…I firmly believe that we all make choices along the way as we mature into adulthood. Some people continually make choices that serve themselves only…regardless of how it affects other people and although this doesn’t make them evil I really do feel a sadness for them that they will never know what ‘to love’ means. So in answer to your question Zee (and sorry for the little rant!) I fully agree with you that in order to heal ourselves we must emerge from our own dark feelings of hatred and fear which can only damage us further and thus will, in turn, damage all our future relationships with those we love. But I would stop short of saying that I could ever feel ‘love’ that person because I would be lying.I think that you put it perfectly here when you said: “I have come to understand that Love is a mighty healer. I feel that if I can feel for that person, from a place of Love then maybe he/she stands a fighting chance to change back to their true beautiful self.” I feel that you have captured the truth in saying that if you can feel for that person ‘from a PLACE of love’ therein lies the secret of healing. Does this make sense darling Zeenat? I really want to be clear about this as I feel it is so important to you. Can you settle for forgiveness from a place of love rather than from actually trying to love the person? I think that’s as far as I will ever be able to go in this lifetime. Much love and hugs to you always! x

    1. Dear Rosemary,
      Thank you for sharing so openly…I do feel your pain. And I do understand that for now you come from that sympathetic feeling sorry place…but it does culminate into coming from the loving place….infact its all part of the healing process.
      You are making sense…and for now, its good that you are acknowledging and healing at your own pace….in time, you too will know no hate…but dont close yourself to it. You never know, one morning you might wake up to feel no negativity at all.
      Thank you again darling for sharing so beautifully….it really does help.
      SO Much Love~

  3. Awesome Zeenat- Just love the Gandhi quote you introduce this post with. Your writing “Its the fault of his/her thoughts and conditioning, some past event that triggered this negative spiral” brings up this question for me: Is love alone enough to get the person to understand and then to begin to take responsibility for their thoughts etc. You and I know that we all have the ability to change our thoughts, our conditioning. the Journey and Emotional Balance are simple accessible ways for people to release past events that trigger these negative spirals.
    Like you I sometimes feel at a loss when i share my views and thought and even offer suggestions.
    What we can do is to continue to shine our light and lead the way
    I feel this may trigger a post from me
    love and peace

    1. Hi Suzie,
      What you say here got me thinking too…. But yes, i do feel that indeed love can be enough….for when you think, feel, be, live from a place of love no negativity can stand in your way. Yes, there will be down days, but never negative days.
      For many only love can be enough, but for some a deeper level of understanding of self, love of self is also required to truly operate from that loving place.
      I do so believe we are all change warriors…oh the realization has brought about so much happiness in me. Thank you for ‘being the change’ Suzie.
      I look forward to reading your views on this topic further, should you choose to post about it on your blog. Thank you for sharing your wisdom here Suzie..it does help immensely.
      Lots of love~

  4. I wanted a good sleep before weighing in on the detachment issue, because it’s hard to express concisely. Detachment, when experienced correctly, means we can see harmful acts from a removed perspective. They will not harm us. Detachment is freedom from the material chains. The difference is that while detachment can save us, proactive compassion saves everyone. Gandhiji practiced both. Holy persons from a hundred traditions use both. When the world presses too hard, you seek solitude in the woods. That is detachment, and it restores. Then you come back from the wilderness and perform service. It’s the path of the Bodhisattva. You seek enlightenment not only on your own behalf, but on the behalf of all beings.

    1. Hi Mikey,
      What you say about detachment makes perfect sense…but I feel meditation gives us that facility to detach while we are still in the hustle of it all….
      Detachment has its roots in all religious and spiritual practices….amazing how we humans still keep running after the material pleasures of it all….
      May we all be enlightened to make a better world…full of love.

  5. The Buddha said,
    “We are what we think.
    All that we are arises with our thoughts.
    With our thoughts we make the world.
    Speak or act with an impure mind, And trouble will follow you
    As the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart.
    We are what we think.
    All that we are arises with our thoughts.
    With our thoughts we make the world.
    Speak or act with a pure mind,
    And happiness will follow you
    As your shadow, unshakeable.
    ‘Look how he abused me and beat me,
    And how he threw me down and robbed me.’
    Live with such thoughts and you live in hate.
    ‘Look how he abused me and beat me,
    How he threw me down and robbed me.’
    Abandon such thoughts, and you live in love.
    In this world Hate never yet dispelled hate
    Only love dispels hate. This is the law, Ancient and inexhaustible.”
    The Dhammapada

    Gandhi and the Buddha seem to agree with you. 🙂 Sounds like good company to me. Our hate harms us as much as it harms anyone we direct it toward. But it can take time to realize this, to heal and let go of anger and hate. So patience and love for everyone the victims and the perpetrators.

    You know I’m a Buddhist and in Buddhism it’s believed that what comes about is the result of our own past actions. Unless we break the circle and stop blaming others, there will be no end to our suffering.

    At the same time, trauma changes the physiology of our brain. The trauma can get locked into our bodies. So we need to pay attention there and be sure we are not suppressing our emotions. It’s OK for anger to come up, but we don’t have to act on it. But you know all this anyway!

    I think you got it right, but I fully understand how difficult it is for many people to recognize this. You are so beautiful!

    1. Hi Sandra,
      Thank you for sharing those amazing words here….and for making me feel like I’m on the right path of thinking and feeling the way I do.
      Knowing it all doesn’t necessarily make it easier to live with na….although most of it comes effortlessly, its the external pressures that make you wonder sometimes…
      Suffering, pain…etc…is all in our own hands. We hold on to it…and give it power to hurt us. Letting is go helps us heal….
      Thank you again sweetie…
      Much Love~

  6. Stella

    Dear Zeenat
    No, I don’t think you are wrong in thinking like this but you are certainly in the minority. The way of the world is to hate, blame, hit back and fail to take into account the reasons why people act in the way that they do. I am increasingly thinking in the same way as you about such things, ie looking at the trauma and insecurities behind bad acts. And like you I find that most other people think such an idea is ridiculous.
    As with everything else in life, love is the only way.

    1. Hi Stella, Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts here. I’m glad you agree with me..and seriously we are a minority…but we seriously need to work on becoming a majority if we truly want to heal the world…right 🙂
      The fact that you resonate with my thoughts makes me feel better….and hopefully that we are on the right path.
      Thank you again for sharing your beautiful thoughts here.
      So Much Love~

  7. Hi Zeenat,
    I agree with you. I don’t think hate is the answer – ever.

    You have every right to be angry at the person for what they did to you especially in the beginning. I do believe that this anger should subside with time though. I think forgiving the person is always best because it allows you to move with your life.

    I would continue to try to feel compassion for the person. They haven’t yet awakened and learned to live a conscious life – that’s the real problem. Maybe including them in your prayers and sending them love will open them up to living more consciously and help them to evolve – maybe not, but I don’t think perpetuating hate is ever the solution.

    1. Hi Angela,
      You bring up a beautiful point of looking at the perpetrator with compassion and doing that by including them in our prayers. No better way to melt that anger than inclusion in our most private prayers….Thank you for this!
      I’m glad you agree with me…and seriously is hate ever the answer…?? I wish love was a realized answer for all….all war would completely end na …
      I also think that if we think the same negative thoughts as the perpetrator..than whats the difference between us and him….and in that distinction lies the point you have mentioned “They haven’t yet awakened and learned to live a conscious life “…
      Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts here..and putting me at ease. I really appreciate your words here.
      Much Love~

  8. I traditionally and always harder on myself than on others. I quite often go after myself right down to the bone. You have linked to my post about how I pick myself up….thank you. It is good to get out of the ruts and pit falls.

    When I can see blaming someone else as an opportunity to reveal an old story that is not working for me any more – I am able to remove the costume of victim and start anew.

    Very nice words here – and on a Sunny morning, I enjoyed the gentle push it provided

    1. HI Patricia,
      I’m glad you liked this post..and most often we are harder on ourselves than on others….but this blame game, changes to “simply being” once the realization of the event sinks in and the anger subsides.
      It beautiful that you are able to remove the victim mask and start anew. Its a gift…hold on to it.
      I loved that post on picking yourself up…so linking to it was just natural 🙂
      Thank you for your lovely comment here.
      Much love~

  9. I believe when we direct hate at a person we’re hating ourselves. Some deeds are hateful, but to hate is to destroy life. Once we forgive ourselves for our judgements forgiveness for others is easy. Many events are created lifetimes before this one by how we collectively have chosen to experience life. Conflict, violence, judgements are habitual vibrations. Let’s not choose to live peacefully, but simply be peaceful.

    1. Hi Simon,
      I love what you share here. The hate and judgments do melt away when we can truly be at peace with ourselves. You & spirit couldn’t have put it more profoundly 🙂 Thank you…..
      Hate destroys everything it touches….while Love restores and renews.
      Lots of love to you~

  10. Ligia

    The essence of detachment is for man to turn his face towards the courts of the Lord, to enter His Presence, behold His Countenance, and stand as witness before Him. (Baha’u’llah).

    Attachment is defined by what we look at – if we look long enough at a pair of shoes or a slice of cake or a pretty face, we become attached to it. But we cannot be attached to 2 opposing things at the same time – we either look this way or that way. So by attaching ourselves to things that have a spiritual value, by turning ourselves to God, everything else will automatically loose importance and reality. By focusing on ‘detachment’, we become attached to the idea of detachment and implicitely more attached to thing we are trying to detach ourselved from. By focusing on the opposing value, by attaching ourselves to it, we automaticaly distance ourselves from what we want to leave behind.

    So perhaps those who wish to heal themselves from a wound, might consider focus on service with love – as already affirmed by everyone here.

    The candle of thine heart is lighted by the hand of My power, quench it not with the contrary winds of self and passion. The healer of all thine ills is remembrance of Me, forget it not. Make My love thy treasure and cherish it even as thy very sight and life.

    Questions of spiritual matters should be referred to the spiritual sources – like you always do 🙂

    People make choices. And while forgiveness is ok on a personal level, on a social level justice requires that people take the consequences for their actions – otherwise order and progress are impossible. This is also a means of education for the perpetrator, which is an act of love in itself.

    Passive love is not enough to solve this problem, focus on the spiritual education of children is essential, to help them away from the dangers of ego and empower them to make the spiritual choices.

    Thank you Zenat for everything.


    1. Oh Ligia,
      You have said it all so beautifully. thank you! You have left me completely satisfied and utterly speechless 🙂
      But there is one thing I must completely and totally agree on is that passive love is truly not enough….we need to be love in thoughts and in action to truly make that difference.
      Thank you Ligia…I loved your comment…and am so grateful you stopped by to share your beautiful thoughts.
      SO Much love to you always~

  11. suzy

    dear zee
    this took me back to the time i endured the most difficult phase of my life; the time when, i was a helpless victim. memories of the physical and emotional violation i endured are no more painful and, yes, i have detached myself completely from that experience… but am i ready to love that person. i am willing to forgive and move on, but love…?

    1. Hi Suzy,
      I get that “to love” after being violated is difficult…so so difficult….I know. But when you let it all go…there is a sense of peace that comes from thinking of each soul(even the not so positive ones) as creatures of God. I know that when we start thinking of them from a “place of love” …love can come into the picture….and heal our own open wounds. Time has a way of making you realize that….but the fact remains we need to change our perception for it. Love will come in…you just wait and see 🙂
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts here sweetie. i appreciate it.
      Much love always~

  12. Beautiful Zeenat, I think you’re spot on in believing that love is the answer to all, even our own inability to (at times) forgive and understand. More and more I’m coming around to the idea that everything and everything (even hateful feelings) just want to be heard, understood, SEEN, and loved. Love is like water — the most powerful of energies, yet gentle, life giving, flows and moves around and through everything. You’ve a heart like Mother Theresa’s and the world is kinder because of it. Your Gandhi quotes were inspired, by the way. You know, in your heart, that how you approach life is the “right” way. It’s the only way you could do it. I admire you.

    1. My Joyful angel,
      You made me cry happy tears with this comment…..I cant imagine a bigger compliment to me than “You’ve a heart like Mother Theresa’s..” God you render me speechless after this…and somehow inspire me to do so much more …thank you. See this is why you are my little joyful angel… 🙂
      And what you say about love…oh its simply divine! Love is so so much like water…everywhere, gentle, pure, clarifying and truly healing….
      Thank you for agreeing with my thoughts here…means so so much. May our paths cross in the physical realm as they cross in the spiritual oh so often.
      So Much love to you~

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  14. Your post reminds me of the Amish community’s response to the tragedy that happened several years ago, when a man entered an Amish school and shot 10 girls before killing himself. The Amish did not react with hatred and vengence, but in their grief reached out to the shooter’s widow and children, and even attended his funeral. Their model of forgiveness caught the attention of the world.

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