“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. ~ Lao Tzu

People-pleasing is a common coping mechanism humans use to fit in to their surroundings. Most of the time we develop the habit of people pleasing because of our need to protect ourselves from negative emotions. It shows up in a pattern of behaviours that, on the surface, make us seem ‘nice, sweet, flexible, very understanding and agreeable’.

Confession: I am a reforming people-pleaser myself. So, I know first hand that Empaths and Sensitive souls suffer from people-pleasing the most.

While being kind and helpful is generally a good thing, going too far to please others can leave you feeling emotionally depleted, stressed, and anxious.

We really want people’s approval and to stay in their good books, which often results in us neglecting or not even being aware of our own needs.

Because of our need to please others, we struggle to set boundaries and tend to overcommit, leading to overwhelm, anxiety and burnout.

Roots of People-Pleasing

The roots of people-pleasing are very individual, but there are some commonalities:

🔥We grew up feeling different so validation and acceptance from others feels really good

🔥We feel negative emotions intensely so we try to avoid situations that might bring them about

🔥We take criticism personally so we try to avoid it

🔥We are naturally compassionate, but that compassion can be misguided, which can lead to over giving and overextending ourselves

6 Signs you are Stuck in a People-Pleasing cycle

1. You have a hard time saying NO.
2. You want to avoid conflict at all costs.
3. Other people’s approval is important to you.
4. You prioritize other peoples choices over your own.
5. You apologize a lot.
6. You take on more tasks than you can handle.

Realizations that helped me Heal my people-pleasing ways

Here are a few realisations I’ve had as I’ve tried to heal from my people-pleasing ways.

❤️I can’t please everyone, ever!

Today, I think it’s a no brainer, that I can’t please everyone. But for old people pleaser me though, this was a genuine revelation and something I’ve had to remind myself of over and over again. When you’re a people-pleaser you end up believing it is possible to please everyone, if you just try hard enough. Till, you actually realize that it can’t be done. So best to please yourself first!

❤️Adapting too much is tiring and confusing

As I was growing up, I had developed a special skill for changing myself into whatever type of person I thought people wanted me to be. I would adapt myself to make things easier for others, to keep the peace, or to make sure nobody got hurt. Being a masterful adaptor took its toll though. A lifetime of being anything but yourself leaves you disconnected from what you truly are.

To take off or rather peel off the many masks I wore has taken courage, because I can only assume that one of the reasons I became a people-pleaser in the first place was because I was scared about how people would respond to the true me, without all of the politeness and smiles. In hindsight now, I love connecting with people from a genuine and authentic space, which is SO freeing.

❤️In times of confusion, inner Values are a wonderful guide

Usually in the past, when I found myself in people-pleaser mode, I realized that I lost touch with my core values and instead started following along with what matters to others, at the cost of what matters to me. This is the trade-off of being a people-pleaser. You don’t want to rock the boat too much for fear of what negative reaction you might get, only to understand that you are being unkind to yourself.

Even now after all these years, when the people-pleaser in me tries to peak out, I find it helpful to ask myself what feels right for me, irrespective of what the voices around me are saying. Just asking myself this helps strengthen this muscle – the muscle of being more real to my own values.

❤️Honesty is kind

I always thought, that being real with people meant I would have to rude and then people would think I am a bad person for speaking out. That was a major fear. I’m realising more and more that being more honest about what I believe in, what I need or what I want to do is not the same as being nasty or selfish. I can convey my truth with kindness and grace as well. In fact, being direct and transparent about how you feel is sometimes that kindest thing you can do in your relationships.

❤️Setting boundaries is healing

When you start living authentically and from a place of transparency, you will upset many people in your life. And those moments when you are standing up for yourself and holding your ground can be upsetting and unsettling, but, at least you know you are standing firm in backing yourself. Often the people who we most need to set boundaries with are the people who least like us setting boundaries. They will lash out or they use guilt as a way to try to get us to go back to our old ways. It can feel difficult and unnerving, but it’s worth the effort knowing that you’re not sacrificing your own needs and values for other people.

❤️Reforming means acceptance

Accepting where I am in this process of healing myself from this habit of people-pleasing has helped tremendously. Through self analysis and conversations with trusted people in my life, I have a deeper understanding of who I am, but unfortunately just understanding doesn’t always lead to change, not immediately anyway. Hence, the acceptance, that I too am a work in progress and that is ok.

Breaking the People-Pleasing cycle

I am now a transparent person, who loves to wear my heart on my sleeve and speak my mind(kindly and gently) so as to live as authentically as possible. Now, I have no problems with being my loud, sometimes obnoxious self. Infact, I take great solace in the fact that I can live like that. It feels lighter to live like that, without the weight of needing to please everyone.

What helped me most is developing deep self-awareness to get me out of the people-pleasing loop. When you understand why you do things in a certain way, you have the clarity to take action to change these behaviours and heal yourself.

This resulted in healthier boundaries, self-confidence, empowerment and massively reduced stress levels.

If you recognise these patterns in yourself and are curious to heal them, I would love to help you too.

Let’s not be a prisoner to other people and instead live free and happy lives, on our own terms.

👉💭What do you think? Have you ever been a people-pleaser? Share your thoughts in the comments🤗

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